Valuable lessons learned on Saturday night, courtesy of Conk, Lok, and me:


Your professors for this session, at the scene of the crimes: Middlesex.


Lesson 1: You Should've Brought a Cane with You
After about an hour or so of standing in a circle, nursing our appletinis, our group of 6 guys realize that we probably look like we belong at the Paradise bar across the street (FYI: Paradise tends to have a very homogeneous crowd, gender-wise). To dispel this notion from the minds of the pretty women at Middlesex, we make a pact: before the clock strikes midnight, we will approach a lovely lady and introduce ourselves. With our watches synchronized, we disperse, intent on maintaining the integrity of this drunken promise.

At 11:45, I wonder how my boys are doing. (What about me, you ask? Clearly, I put my friends first and am waiting to make sure that they're all dancing with girls before I even think of talking to one. I'm just thoughtful and giving like that.. You hear that, ladies? I'm thoughtful and giving.. Now please stop running from me when you see me walk towards you at Middlesex, dammit!) I look around the room and see my friend Brian (aka Conk) sitting next to a dark haired woman, and they seem to be engaged in a delightful conversation. A smile slowly appears on my face, and tears of happiness replace my tears of desperation/failure/loneliness.

Minutes later, I see Conk walking towards the bar, and I ask him how it went.

Conk: "Yeah, she's pretty cool. She's been out of school for a while, though."
Jeff: "Excellent! An older woman, you pimp! So when did she graduate?"
Conk: "1995... Hmm.. that's kind of a while ago, isn't it?"
Jeff: "1995!!?!?!?!??" (eyes slowly close. faints and falls to the floor. body is unconscious for approximately 30 seconds.)

Yes, folks.. Conk managed to pick the girl that graduated college WHEN WE WERE IN THE SIXTH GRADE! Believe it or not, I managed to get a picture of him and his companion for the evening:





Now don't they make a lovely couple? NO! So, class, when the girl you're talking to is complaining about the hassle of getting her blood pressure pills with the new Medicare Part D plan, THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL FOR YOU.



Lessons 2 & 3: Coming soon....

(inspired by the release of x-men 3)

in the 4th grade, i started an x-men club at my school. with fancy hand-made membership cards (i used scotch tape to 'laminate' the cards), it was no surprise that everyone wanted to join. the success of the club evoked the elitist in me at this young age; i denied membership to a classmate that didn't pass the qualifying exam i made for those wishing to join the club. when my teacher found out about this, i was scolded and told that clubs should be open to everyone. since this watershed moment, my clubs have remained exam-free. so you all have mrs. henkel to thank for that.